Supporting an Addict: How to Hold Boundaries Without Losing Yourself
You watch them spiral. Another promise broken, another late-night call that leaves you gut-punched. You offer help. They say no. Or worse, they lie. Again.
You love them (your partner, your parent, your sibling) but you're losing yourself trying to save them.
It's not just the chaos of their addiction that keeps you up at night. It's the way it's rewriting your life, too. The constant worry, the eggshell-walking, the guilt that maybe you're not doing enough.
This isn't what love was supposed to feel like, and yet here you are, holding on while everything feels like it's slipping away.
This Isn't Just Their Battle, It's Reshaping Your Life
Addiction doesn't just belong to the person struggling. It's a storm that rips through everyone around them, reshaping family dynamics, roles, and your sense of emotional safety.
You might be the one picking up the pieces: covering bills, making excuses, keeping the kids' world steady while your own heart feels like it's unraveling.
Think of addiction like a hurricane that doesn't just hit one house. The whole neighborhood gets damaged. Substance use disorders affect more than just the person who misuses substances; they can potentially affect the person's entire family, influencing breakdown in the ways family members get along, communicate, and bond with each other.
Family members who are caring for someone with addiction are under enormous strain. The continuous exposure to highly stressful situations can leave them vulnerable to mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression.
Your nervous system is in overdrive, always bracing for the next crisis. And yet, you keep going, because letting go feels like betrayal.
You're not weak for feeling this way. You're human, caught in a situation that's bigger than you.
The hardest part?
You're not just grieving their choices. You're grieving the version of your life you thought you'd have with them.
When Love Becomes a Cage You Built Yourself
Family members can experience feelings of abandonment, anxiety, fear, anger, concern, embarrassment, or guilt when someone they love struggles with addiction. These emotions don't just visit; they move in and redecorate your entire inner landscape.
Maybe you've found yourself:
Checking their phone or monitoring their bank account
Lying to cover their mistakes
Canceling plans because you're worried about leaving them alone
Stopping invitations to friends because you're ashamed of the chaos
You've become the family's crisis manager, and it's exhausting.
Codependency is a common and treatable family-system illness that develops in reaction to the stress of addiction in a family member. When loving someone becomes about controlling outcomes you can't control, you've crossed into territory that hurts you both.
Why Boundaries Feel So Confusing (and Necessary)
You've heard it before: "Set boundaries." But when it's someone you love, that advice feels like a riddle.
How do you draw a line without pushing them away?
How do you protect yourself without feeling like you're abandoning them?
Boundaries aren't about punishment or control. They're about keeping yourself whole so you can love without self-destructing.
But let's be honest: it's messy. Saying "I won't answer calls after midnight" or "I can't lend you money again" feels cruel when they're hurting. You might worry it'll make things worse, or that they'll think you've stopped caring.
Here's what boundaries actually look like:
"I love you, and I can't keep doing this."
"I care about your recovery, and I won't enable your addiction."
"I'm here to support your healing, not your using."
Therapy helps you untangle this knot. It's not about building walls; it's about finding a way to stay compassionate while protecting your own peace.
Here's How Therapy Helps You Support Without Self-Destructing
Therapy isn't about fixing the person with the addiction (that's their journey). It's about giving you the tools to navigate this without losing yourself. Here's what it looks like:
Separating your role from their recovery. You can love them without being their savior. Therapy helps you figure out where your responsibility ends and theirs begins.
Finding language for boundaries. A therapist can help you craft words that are firm but kind, like saying, "I care about you, but I can't keep doing this alone." It's about clarity, not conflict.
Validating the grief and guilt. Loving someone with an addiction comes with heavy emotions: guilt for saying no, grief for the relationship you thought you'd have. Therapy gives you a space to feel those without judgment.
Building resilience for the long haul. Addiction is often a marathon, not a sprint. Therapy equips you with strategies to stay steady, even when the chaos doesn't stop.
Research demonstrates that having addiction treatment professionals work with the addicted person's family members to modify codependent behaviors can have lasting effects even after addiction treatment is completed.
This work isn't about giving up on them. It's about reclaiming your right to exist, too.
The Thought Trap: "If I Love Them Enough, They'll Change"
Your brain has a story it loves to tell: "If I just love them harder, they'll get better." It's a seductive thought, because it feels like hope. But it's also a trap.
Here are some other thoughts that might be keeping you stuck:
"If I stop helping, they'll fall apart." You're not their safety net, and believing you are can keep you both trapped.
"I'm failing them by setting boundaries." Boundaries aren't betrayal; they're self-preservation.
"This is my fault." Addiction is complex, driven by biology, environment, and choices, none of which you control.
"If I leave, I'm abandoning them." Your worth isn't measured by how much you sacrifice.
Love isn't a cure. Support doesn't mean erasing yourself. Therapy helps you see these thoughts for what they are: stories, not truths. And it helps you rewrite them so you can love without losing yourself.
When Helping Becomes Hurting
There's a difference between supporting someone's recovery and enabling their addiction. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop making their life easier while they're actively using.
This doesn't mean you stop caring; it means you stop participating in their destruction.
Enabling might look like:
Giving them money "for groceries" when you know it's going to drugs
Calling in sick for them when they're hungover
Cleaning up messes they made while intoxicated
These actions come from love, but they remove the natural consequences that might motivate change.
Recovery support looks different:
Attending family therapy sessions
Learning about addiction as a disease
Taking care of your own mental health
Being present for their sober moments without fixing their using ones
The Energy Audit
Each evening, take five minutes to jot down:
What you gave today. Did you spend hours worrying, covering for them, or managing their chaos?
What you received. Did you get support, appreciation, or even a moment of calm?
What drained you. Be honest: was it the argument, the waiting, the hoping?
Look at the patterns. If "gave" is always longer than "received," or if "drained" feels like your whole day, that's a sign you're carrying too much. Therapy can help you shift this balance, starting with small, intentional steps like saying no to one thing that's not yours to fix.
You Don't Have to Break to Prove Your Love
You can love someone fiercely and still protect your peace. You matter, too: your energy, your heart, your sanity.
The chaos of addiction doesn't get to define you, and you don't have to navigate this alone.
Family members may feel anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, worry, depression, shame and guilt, or embarrassment when addiction enters their lives. These feelings are valid, and they don't make you a bad person or a bad family member.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary.
When you're running on empty, everyone suffers, including the person you're trying so hard to save.
Our therapy approach recognizes that addiction truly is a family disease that affects everyone in its path. We use evidence-based methods like Emotionally Focused Therapy to help you process the grief and guilt that come with loving someone through addiction, and Internal Family Systems to understand the different parts of you that feel torn between love and self-preservation.
Our team knows this is one of the hardest roads to walk. We're here to help you find balance with compassionate, practical support that honors both your love for them and your need to survive this with your heart intact.
Ready to Get the Support You Need?
If you're not ready for individual therapy but want to learn alongside others who understand, join our upcoming workshop series designed specifically for people supporting someone with addiction.
Surviving the Storm: Supporting Someone with Addiction - A 2-Part Workshop Series
This FREE community workshop covers everything from understanding addiction and your role as a supporter, to setting healthy boundaries and caring for your own well-being when change feels slow or uncertain.
Part 1: Understanding Addiction & Our Role as Supporters
Thursday, September 11, 2025
Part 2: Boundaries, Communication & Self-Care for the Long Haul
Thursday, September 18, 2025
The content is relevant to all forms of addiction, including alcohol, gambling, and beyond. Spots are limited, so reserve yours today.
For one-on-one support that's tailored to your specific situation, individual therapy can help you navigate this journey with personalized strategies and deeper healing.