Compassion Over Perfection: A Gentler Approach to Growth
Author: Alex Duz, RP
And just like that, another calendar year is behind us! For many of us, January symbolizes a fresh start, an opportunity to reflect and set goals for the coming days ahead. We start the year feeling motivated, prepared, and confident about these shifts we’re hoping to make in our lives. I don’t know about you, but my new year resolution success rate has been nothing to brag about! However, I’ve always appreciated an opportunity to engage in some self reflection, take stock of my accomplishments, and explore the ways I’d like to grow. For some of us, this process is invigorating. For others, it can be daunting. But nonetheless, at many points in life, we find ourselves walking along our unique paths toward self-improvement.
Today, many of us are motivated by instant gratification and western society and culture have much to do with that! Socially speaking, we have been conditioned to normalize and become accustomed to quick fixes, instant results, and many of us really struggle with distress tolerance and attention span. Not to mention, our “hustle” culture which prioritizes productivity over well-being, can tend to orient us towards goal setting that can be wildly ambitious and focused on quick results. After we’ve established these goals, we usually jump out of the gates running, feeling aligned and motivated. We amp ourselves up and think nothing will get in our way this time.
Inevitably, life throws us obstacles. It is unpredictable and destabilizing. We can go through bouts of low energy, higher times of stress, and unforeseeable challenges and change. During these periods, it can feel impossible to stay on top of our goals in the ways we so romantically envisioned. My hope for this article is to leave you feeling curious about how you set your goals, how you treat yourself and bounce back when life inevitably tests us, and that lasting growth without pressure, rigidity, and exhaustion, means prioritizing compassion and flexibility over perfection always!
When we think of growth, we think of goals. Even in many psychotherapeutic approaches, goal setting is thought to be an important part of supporting clients on their journey towards change. Though specific goals are incredibly helpful for many of us, sustainable growth can also be less structured. Growth will feel challenging, but it should also feel expansive, invigorating, and considerate of our capacity and season in life. When considering your goals, it is important to consider your values and needs. What really matters to you at this time in your life. I know my values in my mid 20s as a single woman finishing her education were vastly different from the mom, psychotherapist, and partner I am today! We change, our environments change and we have to find a way to survive and thrive. Which is why practicing self-reflection around
our values and needs is a crucial step in considering which directions you’re wanting to grow.
Aligning goals with your core values allows you to create a life that is heart-centered and authentic to who you are today. Therefore, it’s so important to take the time to learn about yourself! What you really care about, what invigorates you, and most importantly,
what makes you feel connected to yourself and others. Having goals that matter in this way helps us blend our intentions for living with our actions and choices. Therefore, if we think about goal setting in the context of aligning our actions with our values, we can be so creative about the ways we can do this, and hopefully, enjoy the process and outcomes of our efforts in a much more meaningful way. There are so many great activities available online to help you discover your values. I invite you to find a top ten that really speak to you and see how they apply to the many different areas of your life: relationships, career, education, self-care, parenting, family, social connections, spirituality, community, and health. Identifying your biological, social, psychological,and emotional needs in each of these categories is also a great step towards helping you narrow down what might need some attention at this time.
Another important consideration when actively working towards a goal is how we treat ourselves when we seem stagnant or feel discouraged to keep trying. It is important to remember we all find ourselves in this position at some point. It’s human, and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. You’re lacking motivation isn’t the problem. You’re not “undisciplined” or “lazy”. But many of us are likely to beat ourselves up about the ups and downs of our performance or capacity, frustrated by our shifts of inspiration, all possibly contributing to a sense of self-blame, guilt, shame, and inevitably, a sense of paralysis in our bodies. We can all get stuck there, especially those of us that are ambitious goal-setters, who are high-achieving, and often, highly self-critical. Yes, working towards our goals will be challenging at times, but it is not meant to feel imprisoning. They’re meant to offer us some boundaries or guidelines for acting that are mindful of our heart's desires, season of life, needs, and values. Which means they must be open to ongoing reflection and modification. When we feel as though our goals are no longer working or we are struggling to maintain a level of performance, we should normalize this experience and have some compassion for how hard change can be. Then, get curious about why these goals aren’t working, are they realistic? Do they genuinely matter to me? Have other things become more of a priority? Maybe it’s a sign that our goals themselves may need some changing.
When you do find yourself at the point of feeling aligned and ready to implement some changes in your life, the following two tools can be an excellent way of supporting yourself through the more practical parts of goal making and planning. The first is the
Stages of Change Model. This model helps us determine where we fall in our readiness to implement change. From pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, to action and then maintenance and “relapse”, we may find ourselves bouncing from one category to the next, and not always in a linear fashion. The hope is to use this model as a guide for supporting you through the complex stages of change. Normalizing “relapse” (or engaging in old behaviours), as a routine part of the change cycle. Resources for the Stages of Change Model and strategies for supporting yourself through the stages of change are free and readily available on the internet!
SMART goals can be a great way to check-in and ensure that the goals we’re developing and the strategies for actioning and maintaining our goals will realistically support our success. Goals should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant to our lives, and sensitive to time. Establishing SMART goals are a great way of helping you bridge the gap between the preparation and action stage!
Sustainable change is slow. It is a daily effort to act in a way that is intentional and aligned with our values and needs. It is imperfect, messy and will be consistently evolving. But with every passing moment we come back home to ourselves, and recognize what we need in this moment to feel reconnected to our hearts desires, it can be a “new year” all over again.
Disclaimer:
This article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or a substitute for professional consultation. It's important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional. They can provide you with a personalized diagnosis, treatment plan, and support to manage your symptoms effectively.